If I asked you how you would define friendship, what would be your response?

As I sat down to begin the first of this series on navigating friendships, I reflected a bit on what friendship means to me. I even reflected on whether or not I felt qualified to speak on the topic, considering I’ve had times where I wasn’t always the greatest friend. I wondered how I could talk to others on how to navigate friendships, when I’ve had plenty of times where I didn’t do the best job. Even today as I’m writing about it, I still fail at showing up for my friends at times. However, after sitting with this for a bit, I checked online to see what the different definitions there were for friendship. I came across the following:

“A friendship is a relationship with someone you know, trust and regard with affection.”

“Friendship is a bond between individuals based on mutual thoughts or mindset.”

All of these seemed like really simple definitions, until I came across one that really resonated with me.

“Friendship is the hardest thing for explanation. That thing isn’t studying in school, but if you have not learned what is the meaning of friendship, you have not learned anything. Friendship is the best part of life.”

From childhood, high school, college, jiu jitsu, work, and other parts of my life, I’m grateful to say I’ve been blessed with so many great friendships, whether we still keep in contact or not. The company you keep really does speak volumes. Friendships can help lighten the load of whatever you’ve got going on in life, and they can be a really safe container to hold space for you.

That last part is what made me start appreciating my friendships more and tasked me to become a better friend: the idea of holding space for others.

Similar to that last quote, holding space is not something that is taught in school, but it truly is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself as a skill to learn. It can also be a gift to your friends that is not a physical, tangible gift, but holds great value.

I first learned about the concept of holding space during my retreat in Italy this past summer. I shared space with seven other women that week as we faced our own inner struggles, but also learned concepts and tools to help us manage everyday troubles. There were several times where we each shared personal stories, but the biggest challenge in these circles was to not say anything. No direct responses, no sharing of something similar that happened to us, just physically being present with them in the space.

At first, someone may think that that sounds very cold and distant. How could you not want to give some kind words to your friend when they’re sharing something difficult? How could you not want to tell them, “I’ve been there too?”

The hardest part of accepting the idea of holding space for our friends is that we may not always be right about what they need in the moment, especially if it’s not communicated.

I’ve sometimes had friends come to me with something they were struggling with, only for me to turn around and say whatever I thought it was that they needed to hear. At the end of it though, I don’t think either of us felt better.

I believe that the reason for this is that unless someone has explicitly asked you for advice, that’s likely not what they need at the moment.

Everyone has different things that they need in friendships. In the past, I always thought I needed advice. Lately I’ve learned that I was just looking for a listener. A friend to hear my thoughts as nuts as they may be, without judgment. To be as present as they could be in that current experience, and showing me that I was 100% heard and supported.

It’s very easy to ask for advice from someone, but then get angry if the outcome wasn’t great based on their advice. Unless it’s asked for, removing the advice portion and swapping it with holding space for your friends, has so many benefits for both parties:

• It removes the burden on the listener because they don’t have to feel as if they need to provide a solution. Humans naturally are problem solvers more than we like to admit, but if we can’t fix our own problems, how can we fix that of others? Holding space allows the listener to rely fully on being present and open, and not providing a solution to their friend.

• It allows the friend who needs the container to not feel judged. Even though we are all naturally self-conscious to some degree, since you’re not looking for someone to provide a solution, I believe this inherently removes any judgment you may feel. I personally have gone to friends for advice in the past, and sometimes tweaked parts of my story out of fear that they would judge me. However, when I started to talk to them about whatever it was that just sucked and was really difficult to deal with (without wanting advice), I cared less about what they thought about the problem. Simply because I wasn’t looking for a solution.

• It creates more trust and transparency within the friendship, which is something we all want with any company we share. As we evolve, so do our interpersonal relationships. With each version of ourselves that we meet, there is more about ourselves that we share with friends. This can be tough depending on what stage of life you’re both in. However, if we’re able to approach these conversations to hold space for them, it allows each person to show up as whatever version of themselves they are in that moment. Whether it’s put together, messy, or a weird combination of both.

To practice holding space for friends in my own life, I’ve always tried to tailor it to the person and what they are most comfortable with. Above all, I make sure that I can give them 100% of my attention at that moment. Whether it’s meeting in person (which I think is the most supportive), a call or even a voice memo. The key is to make the person feel HEARD.  

Like all things, holding space for those in your life is certainly a practice. As much as we love our friends and want to help them with our words, sometimes the best thing we can do is to withhold from that.

I personally praise friendships that have mastered this, because they have allowed both people to show up as vulnerably and honestly as they can, giving them the power to fully process and overcome whatever it is they bring to the table.

For those of you who have gotten this far in the first part of this series, I hope this practice within your friendships serves a great benefit. It may not be something that’s easy to do at first, but I hope you are able to see just how much you’re both able to grow with each other.

Check out the blog next Monday for part two of “Navigating Friendships.” Love you all <3